NEWS ROUND UP
WILL YOU HEART THE NEW KING DOM?
A new Kingdom Hearts game was announced by Squaresoft. Kingdom Hearts 4 introduces new storyline called The Lost Master and while it looks the usual fare
There are some interesting words that splosh on screen as part of the story tease including “the heart resides within the soul guided by fate to it’s rightful place” which is a fascinating pretext to an emotional RPG but also the reason Kingdom Hearts players make such shit open heart surgeons.
As great as it looks it does come with the disclaimer nailed to it: Development Footage Subject To Change” so at the moment? While it looks like gorgeously textured waterfalls and cityscapes featuring real-time battles against huge bosses it could end up ANOTHER Wordle rip off.
SIMply PISH
There is one section of society you do NOT want to piss off and that is people who play The Sims. Yes, long regarded as the most hardcore of hardcore gamers, who strike fear into the hearts of others. Think I’m joking? Have you ever seen Vladimir Putin try and invade The Sims? Exactly. I have seen Counterstrike online games with my own eyes where someone has entered with the Gamertag SimLover3913 and people have just thrown down their weapons and lay there waiting to be teabagged by ANOTHER bad ass sim playing motherfucker.
Well on Monday Maxis tweeted a seven second video with no sound, just a Sims background and one of those green diamond things turning to a dark wireframe and it was watched TWO MILLION TIMES.
Two million views.
What’s even more scary is that was just 200,000 Sims fans who watched it ten times each, because THAT is how hardcore these fuckers are. Most dared to dream it could be the announcement of The Sims 5 – which would be just incredible – because you know we had the Sims. And then the Sims 2. And who could forget three or the one with the number 4 after it so - fuck.
The next day they released another trailer which at 14 seconds long was Martin Scorsese compared to the first.
It featured a howl and a shadow crossing a wall – many Sim players thought this could be werewolves but knowing Sims? It’s probably just a new party pack with a different hairstyle to wear to a disco. The crazy bastards.
MORE NEWS STORIES IN THE PAID VERSION OF THE COLUMN
THIS WEEK’S FORTNITE NEWS
For me – and I guess many of you – online gaming is the most confusing of things these days. Whether it’s Call Of Duty, League of Legends, Fortnite, DOTA2 whether on twitch or YouTube – it’s a world out Gamesmaster generation doesn’t understand. So – just so you can have a conversation about it standing next to someone at a urinal – and if you are a lady doing that then fair fucking play to you. – it means you can now have a conversation with them about it.
So, here’s this week’s Fortnight News
Top bungage this weeks, Fortnite Fans, as the Dipsplash Invitational reached the final stages. SavagIan06 faced a bum rush from Sw00glemeister, but padded lengthways, split the jibble and totally dorked his hole with a double wanger. On the other side of the fruit tube, DaaaaAAAAaaaaSun49 was penalised 3 GamerTag letters for overuse of the eek and a voice that broke the new controversial high C threshold. The night ended with a classic Butchers Rump off with TitanTitTitTittyTit69 fragging Smithsonian23 up close with a melon shard. Look out for Update V23x9 this week that includes a dog made of soup.
MODERN DAY GAMING WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT
Who decided to call Shoot Em Ups… SHMUPS.
Fuck that. Seriously. How lazy are we these days? Words have power. Words are important. Let’s preserve them. Let’s not LOL, ok? Let’s laugh. Out loud. If you’re going to shake your head? Shake it. Don’t SMH. Shmups is an utterly pathetic word that sounds nothing like what it represents. It’s the opposite of onomatopoeia. Shoot em ups are fast, violent affairs that spunk adrenaline into your eyes. They are electric wonderlands of hair-breadth timing and gargantuan bosses with tentacles that have guns that fire tentacles that have their own guns that in turn fire more tentacles. Shoot em ups are craziness personified. And someone decided to call them Shmups. Fuck off. Right off. Fuck off to the absolute extreme ends of fuckoff earth and then fuck off some more. Shmups sound like the bit of wool the sheep has pissed on. Shmups sound like a name for the kind of idiots other idiots make idiots out of. Somewhere in the worst part of the UK there is an abandoned ice cream van. It has been looted and set on fire years ago. But when you look inside there is an old piece of pink confectionary lying in a box. It’s pink and made of mallow. You try to pick it up, but it’s stuck suspiciously to the box itself, so when you lift it, the box rises, and you see written on it one word.
Shmups.
Jeez.
(A shoot em up. NOT a shmup. Yesterday)
OK that’s it for your FREE TINY PORTIONS version of the Little Old Purple Column #1
The paid version this week is three times the length of this and also includes…
THE BIG THROBBING BIT
The main guts of the Column. The thick middle bit of the shaft. This week it is a review of the recent attempt by a huge games company to rescue a gigantic historic franchise after their last attempt was so bad it almost destroyed it. Yeah. Haven’t I just got you looking for your intrigued pants.
I’ve also got the start of regular features entitled THE TIP OF THE COLUMN, THE LETTERBIT (I wonder if you can work out what THAT is), and THE LOVELY WARM BIT I PRODUCE AT THE END.
Stop sniggering
If you want to stay as a free subscriber that’s fine – but if you can share this column with at least one other human being and THEY subscribe too that’s even better. That is the end of this week’s LITTLE OLD PURPLE COLUMN TINY PORTIONS. Until next Thursday keep it little, keep it old, keep it purple.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #1 FREE