GAMING NEWS
5 Alive
Sony say there will be more chance of you getting your hands on a PlayStation 5 in 2022. Quite an easy thing for them to say – because there was literally, mathematically, and commercially ZERO fucking chance of you getting on in 2021. So, it might just be a 1% chance of getting one and that would still be more chance. But that would mean statistically there would be more chance of you having twins. If pregnant. And a woman. Obviously slightly less chance of that if you’re a man because men can’t get pregnant. I know this for a fact because if it WAS possible then Elon Musk would have done it by now because that’s the kind of stunt that wacko pulls out his arsebum.
Sony claim they will make eighteen million copies of the next gen console with increased chip availably – something Intel is less confident about – they told CNBC last week that the chip shortage will last well into 2024. They can’t both be right. One of them is lying to you.
Which one… hey. Heh?
Is it Sony the people who gave you Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy VII, Parappa the Rapper, the Walkman, CDs and the Jumbotron?
Or Intel the people who gave you the 80486420TX, the E7205 and the LGA 1151p67 SLH84B2?
I’ll tell you who I believe in – and it’s NOT the guys who gave you the 80486420TX, the E7205 and the LGA 1151p67 SLH84B2 – because the LGA 1151p67 SLH84B2 was recalled. And fool me once shame on me fool me twice shame on you and your little things we can’t run games machines without. That you give shit names to.
Hall of FemiFame
Just missing the deadline for last week’s column was the latest entrants in the Videogame Hall of Fame which are Sid Meier’s Civilization, Dance Dance Revolution, Zelda Ocarina of Time, and Ms. PacMan. Ms. PacMan came out in 1981 as the sequel to the original yellow fellow and is cited as being the first videogame to promote female characters thus advancing sexual equality and feminism. What a load of cock. What did Ms. PacMan do that was so groundbreaking. Went around tidying up dots after a PacMAN showed her what to do first and she got chased if she didn’t do it quick enough. That’s about as sexually equalizing as Benny Hill.
Zelda Ocarina of Time gained entry for its influence on videogame storytelling, Sid Meier’s’ Civilization for giving player an unlimited number of choices making every play through unique and Dance Dance Revolution for giving Dads a game to play that made them look fairly ridiculous until that Facebook VR thing came along and finished the job.
eSports Report
For those of you who struggle to understand what the hell they are talking about it eSports every week I will focus on the biggest happenings in the world of “Kids Getting Paid Tons of Money For What We Used To Do For Fun” – I’m not saying I’m dumbing it down – I’m just trying to put it in terms that you and I can actually understand. Because it’s not very inclusive for us members of the Gamesmaster Generation.
This week
League of Legends Report
South Korean invitation was decided this week in controversial circumstances; Team YellowStainOnWhitePants mumping right through the RazzleReaders to hook up with and/or against the FunBoyFours in the final - delete where applicable. Sheet one. Hordes of clickthump from assorted fizzlesticks, -10 damage to FunBoyFours but they fired off the weeping gash spell which reflected that buff into a solid grind, YellowStainOnWhitePants pissed in round one.
(As you can clearly see from this exclusive screenshot? Hordes of clickthump from assorted fizzlesticks!")
Better times ahead in round two with a Splitnipple used by FunFrank09 with no dragon raised, leaving HydroArse with a clear run at the fuptruck on the raised pit level. Juicy all tradesmen. As they say in League of Legends – where MY fucking sandwich? Deciding game – goblins wild, aerobic orgy, fully packed wizard sleeves, and that devil of attacking gameplay ForlornColin661 badoodled the FunBoyFours, YellowStainOnWhitePants now qualify for global mixmunch in Red Deer, Alberta, this Tuesday.
Modern Tech What Are You Playing At?
This week. Too many ways of doing stuff.
Back in the mists of time if I wanted to do an interview with you to publicise something? You would call me up or – if we were really civilised – we would have lunch.
You would either have a pen and a pad or if you were posh, you would use your dictaphone – a machine that recorded conversation and led to one of the best punchlines of all time – why don’t you use your finger like everyone else.
You would even – if you were truly dedicated to the journalistic dark arts – learn shorthand – a quite beautiful old language of dots, lines, and squiggles which – if you saw it today – you would think it was directions to an amulet in Elden Ring.
If it was TV, you’d come and see me with a big camera and sound man who would make a joke about trying not to touch you as he slipped his hand up your shirt. Or if it was radio, you’d have someone come with a microphone as big as traffic cone connected to a tape machine the size of a cow.
But it was simple. It made sense. All this stuff? You saw it in front of you. You had a big button. You pushed that big button. And a big light went on somewhere. And there would be a comforting whirr. And you talked. And then at the end the person would push another slightly smaller button and things stopped. And you would bid each other a farewell. Physically.
Fast forward to today. And what kind of pandora’s box have we opened. You’ve all got podcasts and YouTube channels. Fair enough. That’s great. You can do it all over the interwebs which means neither of us even have to get out of bed and put on our ripped jeans, stripey Kurt Cobain jumper, combat shoes, G shock watch and a general to lethal spray of Paco Rabanne aftershave. It means we have truly independent journalism on games and sport and everything without a boss crushing your spirit because he is a failed presenter himself and resents your success. Yes, Owen and Ross I am meaning you.
But can all of you use the same simple thing. Zoom. Microsoft teams, Discord. Zencaster, Streamlabs, Cleanfeed, Dirty Mic, SnapJam, Sonic Studio, Recorderwank, Fonic Fibble, Joust and the new Adobe Talk Hole.
The fact that I made up nearly half of those and you didn’t even bat an eyelid just shows how many of these things there are.
And it confuses me. And it certainly confuses my laptop and whatever you call the box my microphone shags to get into it.
I am old enough to remember when you could do an entire BBC sports show with three guests from different parts of the country using nothing but tin cans and string.
Last week I actually go trapped in Discord, which seemed like a metaphor for my life on so many details. And the rest of THAT story is behind the pay wall.
I am sorry. That really is a wanky move. But you’ve had your one thousand free words and I do have kids to feed. And to make it worse two of them are vegan and that stuff costs ten times what good old fashioned mystery meat from an unnamed source does.
If you want to go paid, then don’t let me hold you back – there’s another extra bit of words and talk over TWICE as long as this just a click and credit card away. But if you can’t do that – fair enough – you’ll get more free words next week – and please share the existence of this column with likeminded individuals. Spray it around so it covers everything.
Until next week I am Dominik Diamond keep it little, keep it old. Keep it PURPLE!
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #2 FREE