Hello and Welcome to Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column, the 20th of its kind coming to you from an Emergency Ward on the eastern side of Canada. Oh well. That is dramatic isn’t it? It’s also one of the problems of doing a column podcast thing that is written AND recorded in audio, Because I’m writing this in an emergency ward, but I’m not reading it out in one. Otherwise, you’d hear sirens and people moaning and nurses asking me why I’ve brought a microphone in here etc. Anyway – I shall explain forthwith – but first? Roll the theme tune.
(Or imagine it if you are just reading. But imagine it awesome!)
I think videogames landed me in the hospital this week. At the time of writing, I’m not sure if there is going to be an audio version of the column podcast colcast because I can’t actually speak. Well, I can speak, but it causes me pain. I have this burning pain under my rib cage when I sneeze, laugh, cough, or talk above a certain level of projection. And for someone who records 25 minutes of audio podcast and broadcasts 25 hours of radio a week, that is an absolute fucker. I literally have to cut the top 30% off my intonations. I’m like an athlete running on one leg. At the moment, sitting as I am between two emergency ward visits. It appears to be rib injury sustained while falling off a skateboard, which is ridiculous at my age, and possible gallstones or some shitty liver shit, which is sadly pretty predictably common at my age.
UPDATE Liver and internal organs fine except for apparently a small cyst on my liver which, bizarrely, is also “fine” and something else to do with my pancreas which is also “fine”. So bruised rib cartilage cos of skateboarding and whole ton of gut problems that are all to do with – surprise surprise – stress.
As you will now know there IS STILL an audio version of this even though it hurts when I talk because not all heroes wear capes etc.
(PIC - No cape.)
Which is where the videogames come in. Because I have been managing the whole burning rib pain condition for the last ten days but then I started to play Far Cry 5 on Xbox Ultimate Game Pass and while I found it hugely, riotously entertaining, I did find it insanely stressful. And with every failed attempt to rescue two hostages and clear Falls End of redneck cultists I could feel my guts and ribcage tearing themselves to bits in protest.
(PIC: Far Cry 5. It’s all good fun until someone ends up in hospital!)
I don’t know if you have ever played a game that has stressed you so much it caused pain? But Far Cry 5 basically took me over the line. I went in and did my radio show afterwards and it was agony. So, I got up the next morning and went straight to the ER. Cos that’s what we call it in Canada. Not the Emerg. The ER. Like the TV show. But sadly, as opposed to the TV show, you don’t enter on a fast-moving gurney with George Clooney saying “we need a CBC, Chem 7 and full tox screen STAT!”
Oh no.
Over here you sit in triage for an hour then you sit somewhere else for four then you go through to the proper hospital where you sit for another three or four. It’s not nearly as much fun. But it did give me a chance to read Ernest Hemingway’s Old Man and The Sea, and a random Clive Barker book called Mister B. Gone. Which was nice.
(PIC: Theme Hospital 23 - shit graphics)
It also means stressful games are off the menu. So, I’m resigning myself to only playing relaxing videogames for the next week or so until I get this all gut and rib stuff calmed down a bit. I have already played Stardew Valley and LOVED IT. I am not sure I am quite ready to go full Animal Crossing: New Horizons because I’m not sure 90s Dominik would forgive me. So, unless anyone has any suggestions for relaxing “torn rib-slash-exploding gut pain” games I guess I am FINALLY going to play Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild which I have put off for years because it is my oldest child’s equal favourite game of all time. And I already broke her heart when I said The Last of Us 2 was pish, and I am terrified of doing it again.
So… in the comments section this week – suggestions for the most relaxing game ever, please. Also tell me of any games that have sent you through the roof with stress levels. That will be cathartic for you. And will make me feel less of a weakling.
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Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #20 FREE TEASER