Hello and welcome to Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column. The one where I have a house with internet again but it’s still challenging to play videogames for reasons that will be explained… AFTER the award-winning theme tune. That hasn’t won any awards. Yet.
Oh yeah. And for those who read this rather than listen to it? This is the first column with proper indents at the beginning of new paragraphs because I suddenly realised I haven’t been doing that and I’m a published author and profession Guardian columnist so it’s about time I wrote like grown-ups do: wearing big grown up indent pants. OK. NOW you can have the theme tune.
(UPDATE: HAHAHA SUBSTACK AUTOMATICALLY CHANGES MY INDENTED PARAS TO THOSE FLUSH WITH THE LEFT HAND SIDE. HILARIOUS!)
THEME TUNE FOR THOSE WHO LISTEN TO AUDIO VERSION. YOU CAN DO SO BY CLICKING UP THERE. THE WHITE TRIANGLE INSIDE THE PURPLE CIRCLE.
GAMES NEWS
This first story is called…
Switch to Steam.
(Because this story is about the Steam gaming platform and the Nintendo Switch. And I weave words into magic tapestries. So I do.)
You can now use Nintendo Switch controllers on Steam. Valve has sat there for five years thinking, “I don’t know. Is this whole Nintendo Switch thing going to take off? It seems a bit touch and go.”
The good news is that you can now use your Joy-Con to play Steam games if you opt into the latest BETA. The bad news is that you can’t really. Unless you have a Bluetooth adaptor or a motherboard with Bluetooth connectivity because unlike most controllers for other games machines you can’t plug the Nintendo one into a PC because why the hell would they make it easy for us? This is why we can’t have nice things. Technology giveth and technology taketh away. So maybe not quite so much Joy in your Joy Cons after all.
Now, at the risk of sounding like a third rate Seinfeld (which is still considerably better than being a first rate Dominik Diamond) what is the deal with that name. Joy Con. Worst name for a controller ever. Because it sounds like a sex toy. If I didn’t know better I would think there was one slot a Joy Con would go into without need of a Bluetooth adaptor and it would not be the USB slot on a computer. It would be the… you know. You get the idea.
(PIC: LOOK AT ALL THOSE ANGLES THE JOY CON CAN JOY FROM!)
This next story is called…
Netfarts.
(Because it is about Netflix. And I weave words into magic tapestries so I do. All the live long day.)
Less than 1% of Netflix subscribers are playing its games. It has been nine months since they launched them. A 1% pickup after nine months would get you and I fired if we worked in any job that had percentages and pickups and… er… months. But before we rend our smocks asunder and weep great vales of years for poor old Nicky Netflix that 1% still equates to 23.3 million downloads and a daily user level of 1.7 million. Now this may surprise you but that is considerably more people than pay for this column podcast thing. But the funniest thing about this story to me is my first thought upon reading the headline was this:
Netflix do games?
Now I don’t know whether I am thick or on drugs or just not paying attention but I watch Netflix all the time and I am kinda involved in the old videogames sector and I must have never noticed or never been told. I am kinda vaguely aware of some barely glowing ember of recognition at this but nothing more. Why don’t they have big ads in the middle of their TV shows mentioning the games. Just like me, in the middle of this bit of the column mentioning that it’s all very well you guys downloading this for free but if I can’t do it without paid subscribers so get your finger out if you want to support me. Paid subs cost about 1 measly quid a week and the paid version of this is 5 times as long and allows you access to the comments section where you will not believe the things we are saying about your Mum.
Paid subscribers stay here and I will carry on with stuff about how technology saved and shafted me, what are the funniest videogames ever, eScooters, football videogames through the ages, what was the first ever interactive toy and the tiny thing I held in my hand that gave me immense joy this week. It’s a game thing not a penis. Jeez. What is this, the nineties or something?
Until next week freeloaders? Keep it little, keep it old, keep it purple.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #15 FREE