We start this week’s column podcast with exciting news! Sorry by the way, for continuing to call it a column podcast. I know that feels large and clumsy in your mouth but when I came up with the idea for doing this it was going to be a written column, like it used to be, but then I saw the option on Substack for it to be recorded in audio as well. And I think most people listen to it rather than read it and they call it a podcast. So maybe I need some kind of portmanteau for it instead of saying Column Podcast it’s a ColPod or a ColCast or a CastUmn. (Actually, I kinda like Castumn!) Anyway… I thought seeing as some people treat it as a podcast, I should give it a theme tune because a) podcasts tend to have theme tunes and b) I know there are a lot of people listening to this who were fans of the twitch show and I had theme songs and jingles for EVERYTHING on that. So anyway – here is the new Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column Podcast ColPod ColCast CastUmn theme tune song thing. I hope you likee.
(OK people who read this rather than listen to it we got a problem here. So, I guess you will just have to listen to hear the theme song. I COULD write the lyrics down, but it would be a bit like going to see the Mona Lisa and discovering it wasn’t coloured in. So, let’s move on!)
GAMING NEWS
The ModFather
I am in awe of people who mod games, yeah? Because they have that extra level of creative freakery most of us don’t have. We will play a game like God of War or Resident Evil: Village and go “holy shit this is fantastic!” And every single fibre of our being is concentrated on playing the game and marveling at it. But not your modder. Your modder looks at God of War and says, “Meh, you know what this game needs? Some really stupid funny shit.” And they get to work. I don’t know how they do this because just looking at code scares me. I feel if I look at programing code it will steal my soul, or make me go blind, you know. Looking at computer code is like staring at an eclipse. An eclipse for smart people.
Anyway, this week youtuber modder Marcus RC, you know Marcus RC, from YouTube. He published his mod that has Master Chief taking on Kratos, thus having the protagonist from two titanic Xbox and Playstation behemoths – Halo and God of War battering the shit out of each other. The link to it is posted in the written version.
And while you are there, I wholeheartedly recommend taking a look at Marcus RC’s other art, which includes modding Shrek into God of War and putting a whole load of purple Barney dinosaurs into Resident Evil. I love that kind of stuff because it is clever, funny and serves no function other than to have people saying, “that is cool”. And this world is full of so much horrible serious shit I think we all need more things that are just cool and a wee bit daft.
SPOILED FOR CHOICE
This is the bit of the column where I highlight a game that may well be brilliant, but I stop playing early on because it asks me to do something that annoys me. This is the problem with multigame subscriber services like PS Now and Xbox Ultimate Live Game Pass Uncle Tom Cobley and All - it’s the Netflixication of games. You end up with too much choice. There are too many shows to watch on Netflix (and in my family’s case: Crave, Amazon Prime, Apple Plus, Disney and Paramount Plus too, even though I keep meaning to cancel Paramount Plus because we only use it to watch Kevin Costner in the fantastic Yellowstone.) On Xbox Ultimate and PS Now, we have too many games we can play and so we don’t really give them time. I am the worst culprit for this.
I started playing Heavy Rain the other day. Heralded as a quite brilliant serial killer whodunnit with genuine surprises along the way when it was released in 2010. But I’ll never know because in the first scene I have to brush my character’s teeth by moving the PS Wi-Fi controller from side to side and then up and down. I am sorry but at my age? You can give me a 3D FPS fully immersive live action playable version of Jet Set Willy but if I have to wave a controller from side to side then forget it.
Unless it’s a Nintendo Game. Nintendo were the ones to first make shaking of sticks a thing. They get a pass. Also, they design their sticks for shaking. Try to shake a PlayStation controller from side to side is like trying to grate a block of light plastic parmesan with nothing but air.
(The bloke in Heavy Rain has a wee before brushing his teeth. Thankfully I didn’t have to shake the PlayStation controller in this bit.)
So, I quit. By my reckoning I’ve spend 4 minutes playing the game. Can anyone beat that? Anyway, if you HAVE played Heavy Rain? And it’s good? Let me know and maybe I’ll give it another go. Or if you have given up a game really quickly – let me know which one and I’ll give it a go and see if I can get past your premature finish. Cos I still have that guilt whenever I give up playing a game or watching a movie or a TV series – because people have worked hard to make it and I’ve just gone… meh. Although I did feel a bit less guilty after I heard Mark Billingham the crime thriller writer telling people if a book hasn’t grabbed them within 30 or 50 pages then throw it away. He – like me – started out as a standup comedian and he says you have to grab a stand up audience with the first sentence or they switch off. You can’t say – give me twenty minutes, I’ll be funny by then. In commercial breakfast radio it’s even worse. I remember some research in Canadian radio came out that said when a song ends on the radio people give the DJ 6 seconds after the song. If they haven’t grabbed their attention, then they will switch to another channel. And every radio station boss in Canada shit their pants when they heard that and completely changed how their DJs spoke. They all had to open with a question to grab the listener – rather than mention the song or the station or the time or the weather.
So, if you were, say, listening to a rock station and you had Bon Jovi playing? You would sit there and here the following:
“Woah we’re halfway woah oh living on a prayer. What is the craziest thing YOU”VE ever done with sunscreen?”
And you’d be sitting there in your car thinking, “What the hell was that? Where did that question come from? I was listening to Bon Jovi and now what’s happening?”
And then finally the DJ would add, “It’s Brother Bob on 102.8 the Wank, serving Ottawa’s rock since 65. There’s a story in the news today about a guy who was found dead in a bath of sunscreen with a replica Oscar up his bum.”
That’s not a real story – I just made that up. But you do have to question what is wrong with me that when I have to make up a story about anything, just to give an example and illustrate a point. For some reason I go with death, sunscreen, and an award up the arse.
But that is why I don’t really feel too bad about giving up Heavy Rain.
And on THAT bombshell! That is it for the FREE version of the Little Old Purple Column. Another load of utterly compelling videogame content lies in the paid version. This week it includes…
What is the worst named gaming handheld of all time? I’ll tell you.
The game that tons of you love but I think is utterly horrible because of one tiny but immensely irritating thing they got wrong.
And…
in this week’s exclusive eSports report I went to Argentina to see them play Rocket League. Here’s a clip. Or an excerpt if you are reading rather than listening.
“Game 2 – BrexitRegret became overzealous with some of those bumps, while BroccoliHeaven’s PolPotpissPot was a monster with the setups.
At this point I got a tap on my shoulder and a man with a large moustache in a military uniform dragged me away to a small cell and beat me senseless with rubber tubing while asking questions in a language I didn’t understand. I just kept saying “Esporta por favor” and eventually I was released – talk about experiencing all the fun of esports!”
Plus, I will reveal the winners of the first load of monthly draws for unique Gamesmaster on set photos signed and defaced by my AND a one hour zoom call with me although if you are only subscribing to the free version, you will give literally zero fuckaroos about that because only paid subscribers go into the draw. Don’t blame me. I’ve got three kids to feed and pasta costs twice as much as it did a year ago. It’s all over the newspapers. Anyway, if you want to take out a paid subscription that would be ace. Otherwise, don’t. But if you can tweet or facefart about the column to let people know that would be tippety top.
And as if by more magic a button appeared to let you subscribe!
Until next week keep it little keep it old keep it purple. Thanks, and salut maintenant.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #5 FREE VERSION