This is Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column: funny words for grown up gamers. Ish. And the ish refers to the grown up part, not the funny. There is no ish about the funny. It certainly ish funny. Say that sentence aloud and pretend you are a drunk in a cartoon. It will be funnier that way. This is the 10th edition.
THEME TUNE FOR AUDIO LISTENERS! HUM ALONG YOURSELF IF YOU ARE JUST READING
So, this is the first column podcast colcast compod thing I have recorded on the East Coast of Canada. And the first one in a hotel room. A downtown hotel in a major Canadian city, hence the ever present noise. Doors opening and closing, constructions, those bizarre air conditioning units. Hotel rooms, eh? Walk into them and they are hotter than Satan’s armpit after a 10k, switch on the air-conditioning and in ten minutes they are colder than my wife’s icy disapproving glare, albeit with a noise level akin to a shipyard trapped in a wind tunnel. Yay! Real life! It really isn’t as good as the virtual one videogames allow us to escape into, is it?
I have started a new radio job, it’s all very complicated and stressful with relocation etc and before you ask no I’m sorry you can’t listen to it in the UK, but I will endeavor to still get this thing out every week. It’s technically impossible to put production on the audio version of this like I normally do: No sound effects or atmosphere tracks other than that which you may hear from the docks I am looking out on.
(PIC: Proof if proof be need be that I am doing a new radio show somewhere)
So, think of this as like MTV Unplugged. You know, I might even throw in some sound effects from my own mouth, like a video game podcast version of Bobby McFerrin. Of course, if you are just reading this rather than listening to the audio version this is all just words, and your column experience is exactly the same - except it’s not. I declared at the start the free version will be 700-1000 words and the paid version will be 2000-2500. So far it has been 1000 words for the free version and 4000 words for the paid. Double what I offered. For the next few weeks while I settle into the new job and new house and whatever it will go back to what I originally promised. Once I’m sorted, we’ll take a look at everything again.
Right let’s crack on with some Game News.
This story is called
We’re all Doomed.
Here is a headline from GamesSpot online
Video Game Market Expected To See Decline In 2022, According To Analysts
After a period of massive growth, it's predicted that the video game industry will experience its own recession in 2022.
I know. You’re worried now, aren't you? I know. There we are: all of us in GamesMaster generation. Trying to make an effort to get into modern gaming through this podcast column thing. And they tell us it’s all going to end. That is terrible. I mean how can we help? Can we start a Kickstarter to save the industry we love?
No. Cos it is all total bollocks.
Games sales are going to drop globally by 3 billion dollars. Which is a lot of money. If you or I dropped our earnings by 3 billion dollars we’d be in trouble. If I lost 3 billion in sales of the paid version of this podcast I’d make approximately minus 3 billion dollars.
How much did the games industry make in 2021 though?
191 Billion.
So yeah. This recession that GamesSpot are trying to make us pee our collective pants about is them going from 191 billion to 188 billion.
You poor wee things. How in the name of arse will you survive?
And you know the reason it’s having this blip? This recession? They made so much money from covid cos we were all sitting at home and couldn't go to work so we played video games. And now we are SELFISHLY going back to work. So, we’re not buying as many games.
Omg: I’m sorry. We couldn’t afford to sit in and play games all day. Sorry if that was an inconvenience to you. Hopefully we’ll get covid again so we can buy another Elder Scrolls game, even though the average wage of the average person in an average town on this planet is “fuck you”? Jeez.
What is WRONG with you Gamespot? Why are you writing shit like this? Sympathizing with the richest industry on the planet getting only slightly less mega Bastard rich? Scared you won’t get your early access game codes? Terrified you’ll miss out on a bomber jacket with Call of Duty stamped on the back. Weeping because you might not get flown across the world to race in a helicopter down a volcano or some stupid game launch shit.
Sorry. I’m tired. Stressed. And have run out of fucks to give about millionaires. I guess this is the WORST possible to time to remind you that there is a paid version of this column which basically helps me keep it going so if you’d like to help out you get a version three times as long as this every week for what it would cost you to buy me a coffee.
Shall we do another top 5?
ANOTHER VIDEO GAME TOP 5
Video Game Titles That Would Make Rubbish Rapper Names
5. Wii Sports
4. Ms PacMan
3. Nintendogs
2. Duck Hunt. (If said slowly)
1. Disney Tsum Tsum
(PIC: Pish rapper)
Video Game Titles That would Make Great Rapper Names
Actually, I’m going to leave that to the other side of the paywall. If you want to hear/read that and… a HUGE thing about the horror of inflight technology, how I turned to retro handheld stuff to help me across Canada and how you stop people talking to you on planes then take out a paid subscription. Otherwise, I will catch you next week if I am not dead. I am Dominik Diamond saying Keep it little, keep it old, keep it purple.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #10 FREE