GAME NEWS
Finally, My Precious
Lord of the Rings fans can finally stop fiddling with their neck beards in frustration because the Lord of the Rings Gollum game will finally be here in November. Or to give it it’s full name The Lord of the Rings TRADEMARK Gollum TRADEMARK. It was first announced in 2019 which means waiting for this game has been almost as long as watching one of the movies. But now everybody’s favourite duplicitous, bald, lispy-voiced ne-er do well will be in your hands on PC, PS4, PS5, Xbox One, and Xbox Series X / S in just six months with a Switch version in the works for “later this year.”
So, what will the game be like? Well based on the gameplay trailer that came out last year – the link to which is in the written version
- it involves a lot of running, jumping, and sneaking around underground levels in search of stuff that is precious. If I wasn’t a mature and sophisticated pillar of society today, I’d says it was “like a non-wanking version of Tomb Raider” and make a joke about Gollum fiddling around in the dark trying to find his precious ring - but now I am a man I have put away foolish things.
Close But No Cigar
Time for this week’s random game that was nearly fun to play. So, I was thinking of what to write for my latest Guardian Column and I was feeling a bit stressed with one thing or another. And I had this idea that I would try and find the silliest fun games out there just based on the name. So, I started with Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion on the Xbox and as I said a couple of weeks ago that is a terrific little game: Like Zelda the Minish Cap but with gags and crazy stuff. Then I moved onto Chicken Police on the PS4. This game looks utterly amazing: It’s a noir detective story conversation-based click adventure game in black and white. It oozes cool. It begins with a guy is going out for a pack of smokes, but he is not a guy, he is a chicken. Not just a chicken but one half of the legendary chicken police. He, along with all the other characters in this, have animal heads on top of human bodies which I have to say is the coolest thing in the world. Always has been – going way back to Toad and Ratty from Wind in the Willows right up to that Shark guy in the last suicide squad movie. See screenshots in the written version of the column NOW.
And as usual, not just screenshots, but screenshots taken from my view as a play, with tantalizing glimpses into my real life. Last week’s screenshots included hints at my gout which thankfully is pretty much cured thanks to allopurinol. See – I even give away medical advice in this. Anyway, this week’s screenshots seem to hint at prescription medication and the water to wash it down with. So - for a wee bonus – try and guess what medication it is and email me ddpurplecolumn@gmail.com.
No prizes. Just for fun. Cos no one’s actually going to try and guess which one of my multitude of medications it is, are they?
Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. Chicken Police. Animal heads on human bodies – best thing ever. Stick an animal’s head on a human body and the world is a better place, unless the world you are living in is a first year medical student, in which case that’s pretty sick.
What I also liked about this game was that they use the world CLUCK to replace the F word. So, something is “clucking awful” and a work colleague is a “real dumb cluck.”
It is written in the style of classic Philip Marlowe detective books, so you walk into your office to find a lady there “with legs that go on for days.” Except she’s an impala.
And then there is a bit where – a propos of absolutely nothing, one of the Chicken Police says to the other one “Fuck off.” Right? Fuck off. Not cluck off. Now obviously I laughsnorted diet coke out my nose at that because I do that with swearing ESPECIALLY swearing from an animal, ESPECIALLY if that animal has a human body. But it’s also a measure of the ramshackle nature of the game – because they have already set up that “cluck” is the replacement for the f word. And then they break that rule by having the actual F word. I can’t believe I am discussing semantic consistency with a game this silly, but I’m a stickler for rules.
There’s another bit where the two chicken cops are arguing with the chief who is a bloodhound and he says, “For all the marrowbones of the world… get the hell out of my sight!” And I laugh at that too. Then he tells you to fuck off. And now I’m just irritated because the game can’t make up its mind whether it’s going to be sweary or not. And this is a game which is all about words really – it’s about interrogating people and spotting clues in what they say – and if you are having a game based on words you need some rules. Another rule is to be able to spell. And at one point they even misspell despicable.
There was sooooo much promise but I got bored quickly. The story doesn’t move along with any pace, and the way to successful interrogation seems so random. And it’s one of those games where you enter a room and have to move over every hot spot and click on everything, there’s no real finesse so I stop. It’s a shame because the game uses different types of animals and their reactions to each other as an analogy to racism and it’s trying to do good things here, I think, but I’ll never know because life is too short for games that can’t decide whether they are going to go full fuck or not.
Oh, and in case you are wondering what I DID write for this month’s Guardian column. Well, it should be out about now so click on the Guardian website games section to find out, but here is a visual clue.
Esports report
Every week I am invited to the biggest eSports tournaments on the planet to give my completely independent reports. Here is the latest.
DOTA2
Total shitshow is a phrase very overused when it comes to DOTA 2 but in this week’s ESL league on in Stockholm it came home to Abba. Bumrush Warriors v Nickynockynoo started in standard almost cliché fashion: Fruittube modified the viper giving him a full septum of mana, looked like he was about to draw first blood but KorkyCat the Bumrush #1, lubed up the mana overfill, between the jumbles. Mana leak. Mana dropped. Mana Mia. Manamana do do do do .
Third sleeve. Ok computer. MasonicEmblem triggered the fairyfire, but Trapp poked it out double frankfurter. Masonic emblem forced to drink the toilet water as Ralstauner67 pulled off a fantastic move from static link to unstatic link to unstatic unlink to linked sausages to Zelda links awakening and back to a static link.
SevilleOutrage finally came into the game in sleeve 5 – urged up a double kill, full fat mayonnaise with an orc arrow, leaving Fruittube with a complete Aaron Ramsey.
Jeff picked up the arcaner from behind the fruit stall, but mana burned like he was top gunning a dirty sanchez. Wizard nachos as they say. Wizard nachos. Bumrush Warriors now sit atop the European Sad League with nickynockynoo facing relegation into real life.
That’s it for Little Old Purple Column #4 the Tiny Portions version. That’s been about a thousand words. There are another 3 thousand lurking behind the paywall if you want. THIS week it includes Close But No Cigar I review a game that I loved then hated all because it couldn’t decide whether to actually say a certain word or not, I launch my attempt to find the stupidest shit that’s ever happened to you while playing this certain genre of games, more retro game cheats and the absolute funniest most brilliant news story involving videogames ever ever ever. Especially once I get MY hands on it.
Paid subscribers get into different monthly prize draws – I’ll announce the winners for May in next week’s column.
If you can’t pay, then that’s cool but see if you can tweet about the pod or share its existence with a friend that would be ace. Until next Thursday keep it little, keep it old, keep it purple.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #4 FREE