Hello and Welcome to Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column the 26th of its kind. Coming to you from the familiar location of Nova Scotia, Canada, after my whistle stop trip to London town last week. Don’t worry. I remembered to bring the theme tune back with me.
(CLICK ON AUDIO VERSION FOR THEME TUNE)
So… yeah. London, eh? What was that like? That was a bit crazy, wasn’t it? Thanks to all of you who came along to the special Forbidden Planet Event at Loading Bar in trendy Stoke Newington for the launch of GamesMaster The Oral History. Twas amazing to see so many people who are PAID PALS subscribers. I would list names, but I am terrified I’ll miss one person out and they will think, “What the hell was wrong with me?” For the rest of their life. Like I would do in that situation. Everyone was so lovely, and you all seemed such good people I don’t want to risk only drawing attention to some of you because, when I do that with my children there are tears and a-wailing, and there only three of them.
Instead, I want to talk about something I did that night that included the most legendary bit of 90s TV ever. You know the one I mean, don’t you?
No, not the time Brad Pitt was on Friends. The other one.
No, not that deformed baby bit in the X Files. The other bit. With the videogame.
The moment that is etched in the memory of every single person who ever watched GamesMaster.
NO, NOT THE TIME I SHAT MYSELF ON THE ROLLERCOASTER!
I am talking of course of The Super Mario Challenge. AKA The Christmas Quiz. AKA The Dave Perry Incident.
I don’t want to delve into the details of it now because it is all there in the book but what I did do on Friday at the Loading Bar was… I, Dominik Diamond actually tried that challenge. For real. Because it’s a games bar thing and they have all the hardware set up in a room there don’t they? And Super Mario 64 on a Nintendo 64 was one of them. All set up on that Winter Level: Slip Slidin’ Away.
(I hate myself for even linking to this now, but, you know, context etc)
The chap from Forbidden Planet said to me, “We thought it would be funny if we did a video of you trying the classic Super Mario challenge.”
I suddenly had a horrible thought. Had I, Dominik Diamond actually played that level… ever?
Surely, I must have, I thought. I don’t see why I wouldn’t have competed Super Mario 64 when it came out originally, eh? But what if I… hadn’t? Certain parts of the 90s are… murky at best. This challenge was in Series 6 of GamesMaster after all. During Series 2 and 4 and a lot of Series 5? I would road-test most of the challenges myself. That way I would know what to talk about when I commentated, and also to see if they would work from a televisual entertainment point of view.
But by Series 6? The GamesMaster team was such a well-oiled machine I totally trusted them. By then it was often enough for me to just sit with a researcher and have THEM play through the challenge while I made notes.
So, I thought. This is going to be interesting. Because I have not been able to practise the game. And I am being filmed by the bloke from Forbidden Planet. Holy shit, I am now Dave Perry and this is 1996 all over again!
And guess what? I launched myself down the slope, cocked up the second turn and basically came off… at Dave Perry Corner. Yup. History repeating itself. I thought that really served me right. I almost wish Dave had been there himself to laugh at me. That would have restored some kind of karmic balance.
I even spat the dummy out a little bit too. Because I said to Forbidden Planet bloke (whose name was Ross, incase you are wondering) that I wanted another go. And then another. And even after three goes I still couldn’t get more than halfway down. So, I said, “isn’t it time to sign some books?” And I humourously threw the joystick into the wall smashing it into a million tiny pieces of despair.
I don’t know if Ross has posted the video. Or what version he went with. None of them feature me exactly covering myself in glory. That’ll teach me, eh? Super Mario 64? Super Hubris 64 more like. And I bet that is the only thing written about videogames this week that ends with punchline mentioning hubris.
(What? PewdiePie did one? Damn.)
Oh! Do you want to hear the celebrity encounter story from London as well?
Sorry. That is in the paid version.
It’s a good one. It involves me and that bloke, yeah? But I have reached the end of time and space for the FREE version of The Little Old Purple Column this week. That and much more in the PAID PALS version which is five times the length of this bit and super cheap: less than a quid a week and you can cancel any month. Full details on the substack, or if you are reading this already just click the button below for options.
If not? Then I’ll be back with another free teaser thingie next week. Until then? Keep it little, keep it old, keep it purple. And now… The Return of the Theme Tune.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #26 FREE VERSION