Hello and welcome to Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column the 42nd of its kind coming to you from the middle of another 25cm dumping of snow, otherwise known as Canada. Theme tune!
(IN AUDIO ONLY, DUR!)
What is the hardest videogame in the world? Dark Souls? Cuphead? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Smash TV? Dragons Lair?
Mega Man?
Elden Ring?
Marvel Snap when you play against me?
Nope. There is a new game that makes all those seem like the bastard son of Pong and Yoshi’s Story. Which is ironic because this game is also a bastardisation of two others.
A game so hard its name should only be spake of in hushed tones.
Flappy Birdle.
It takes Flappy Birds, a game that was in itself pretty brutally hard – where you had to tap a key to keep your bird at a certain height to fly through gaps in poles - and mixes it with Wordle. OK maybe not quite so hard a game BUT here’s the rub…
In Flappy Birdle you have to keep your bird in the air by guessing the five letter word. In real time. The bird keeps dropping until you type in a letter. So you have to keep typing non stop without break so. It’s basically BASTARD SPEED WORDLE!!!
All you people who think you are Wordletastic? No time to check online for one of your Wordle Helping Dictionary Programs in this version!
(Come on. We all do it!)
(Except me.)
I haven’t been able to solve as much as one word. It is so fast. It reminds me of when Lennox Lewis was asked to describe boxing and he said it was like trying to play chess really quickly while someone hit you.
Try it. The link is in the written version on substack.
Flappy Birdle - Flappy Bird meets Wordle by AE Studio
(PIC: Me messing up my Flappy Birdle. Again.)
Now even though I am struggling with the actual game, I must say I have really taken to the title. Flappy Birdle. Because it sounds like code for something rude, eh?
I imagine two girls talking in toilets of a club.
“I see that Dominik Diamond’s chatting you up. Do you fancy him?
“Are you kidding? At his age? He’ll have a right flappy birdle.”
Cue mean nasty laughter from the ladies, not realising I am hiding in the stall and have heard it.
A tear falls from my eye…
Why am I in the stall in a lady’s toilet in a club?
I’m not. They are in the men’s.
OH PLOT TWIST!
The other reason I think Flappy Birdle sounds rude is possibly because Flappy Birdle rhymes with 18 Hour Girdle, one of the first hosiery items I ever came across.
Behave!
It was lauded as the greatest technicological breakthrough in women’s undergarments since the dawn of time. All because it could last for 18 hours. I was never sure as a child what that meant. What actually happened to an 18 hour girdle two seconds after 17 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds? Did it fall off? That was what I kinda hoped. I guess looking back it means it was comfortable enough to wear all day. It was one hell of a word though. Girdle. The most unsexy word in the history of the planet.
I googled 18 hour girdle to find out. All in the name of research. And it sent me to a load of pictures of I Can’t Believe It’s A Girdle. Which I thought must be a sequel to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Then I realised the photos were vintage in nature so I Can’t Believe It’s A Girdle must have come BEFORE I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter but I still really hope there is through line there. I know it’s too much to hope that the same company make underwear AND synthetic dairy substitutes but it’s all science isn’t it?
It could be the same advertising company though, eh? One guy who had one good idea and then used it for every pitch.
Hey we need to think of a slogan for this new margarine. OK let’s go with Dominik Diamond Creative Wad. Oh yeah – the hotshot ad company who came up with the I Can’t Believe It’s a Girdle… er… Girdle. What can he possibly come up with to represent this product that we’re trying to use replace butter but it’s not butter. I can’t believe what he’ll come up with this time!”
Yeah. That could be how that worked. Anyway girdles have been around since the dawn of time. I’d talk more about them but my search history is already dodgy as fuck this week and this free teaser is longer than you normally get so that is it for today. Become a PAID PAL subscriber for the full version which this week is over SIX times the length of this blah blah blah bye.
Dominik's Little Old Purple Column #42 FREE TEASER