Hello and welcome to another Dominik’s Little Old Purple Column, the 8th of its kind.
Game News
Nightwin
The latest Batman game will have the largest Gotham City yet seen. Gotham Knights is out in October and doesn’t actually feature Batman. Well, it does after a fashion, because his death is what starts the game, then you play the rest of it as Nightwing, Robin, Bat Girl, and Red Hood. Bearing in mind that Nightwing is Dick Grayson and Red Hood is Jason Todd that is basically Three Robins and a Batgirl which was what they were originally going to call the game until they realised Three Robins and a Batgirl sounded like a British romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant. Don’t get me wrong, I for one would LOVE to see Hugh Grant as Batman, waking up late for a mission and running around saying “fuck” as he hops around putting the batsuit on one leg at a time. But no. WB Montreal decided that was too much fun, and so called it Gotham Knights. The game was announced about 60 years ago and has had multiple delays but, yeah, it has a big map. So, whoop de fucking doo. When it gets delayed again, they’ll probably come out and say that Robin’s tights have the most graphically intensive denier yet seen in a game.
eSports Report
This week saw the latest round of the Global Starcraft 2 League from South Korea otherwise known as GloStacratoolSoKo.
I was flown to Seoul to cover the tournament and special thanks to my sponsors Cargill’s Ice Cream for Gamers. The ice cream for gamers who want ice cream for gamers to taste like ice cream for gamers. For gamers. What?
(PIC: The StarCraft 2 Tournament in Seoul. Where I was. This week. Right There. Just out of shot)
Zerg v Zerg on the map Simulacrum was the dish of the day and it was dish best served bamboozled as Venlafaxine handed out an utter splooging to Butterchump. Butterchump has been missing from the GloStacratoolSoKo after the now infamous episode with the noodles and the goat. I asked him for a comment, and he said, “5 million views on ArseTube, bitches”.
He really is a character.
As far as Starcraft 2 went? Well, his crafting of stars…er… 2 was a dingshow.
Early pies he let Venlafaxine move two cadres of bootlickers up the east and west cheeks with his forces split either side of the gaming peritoneum. The poor dumptruck tried massive everythings. Casts. Rockets. Lasers. Wasabi and at one point a rainshower of mysterious bin stains but to no avail. Venlafaxine kept pumping him with his roach ravager up the pisspipe at one point going melee upgrade and THEN missile upgrade. He really is the Salvador Dali of topdown military science fiction games. Butterchump had no choice but to go full Spandau Ballet and the rest was silence.
A stiffer test for Venlafaxine tomorrow when he goes up against StickyPocket, with Butterchump in a must win situation against early GloStacratoolSoKo favourite WhatsThatSqueakonmybike. I’ll bring you the latest from that game next week but until then this is Dominik Diamond live from Seoul and as us Starcraft2 casters say: Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker wap bap a loo bop a lop bamboo. The crazy fucks.
THE LOVELY WARM BIT I PRODUCE AT THE END
Don’t worry – this is not the end of this week’s cast. Not for paid subscribers. You have another load of stuff three times as long as this coming up – but this will be the climax of the free edition. Remember last week how much you laughed at my tirade against the Xbox One LB button and how it was the weakest most breakable part in the history of peripherals? Well, you free subscribers didn’t because it was in the paid version. Remember if you do take out a paid sub you can access all the old paid versions AND post comments in the chat section AND get entered into monthly prize draws for GamesMaster artefacts and zoom calls. I know I’m pumping the paid version hard but a boy’s gotta eat, even if in my case I live with vegetarian kids and all I get to eat is tofu.
Anyway, I thought I should counter the great steaming shit I took on that controller by heaping rose petals on the best one of all time. The Neo Geo Arcade Joystick. Crikey. Of all the large things I have held in my hands in my life (and I hugged Tom from Keane in the early days of the band) this has to be just about the best. In contrast to my whines about the lack of industrial strength of Xbox gamepads? This edifice… this monument… was a wonder of the gaming world. So solid you could duck behind it to survive a nuclear blast. So precisely and solidly engineered you could pull off special moves in King of Fighters using a fist where you replaced each of your fingers with Thor’s hammer and your thumb with a chieftain tank and the joystick would be as spry and twangy as the day it was born. What a wonderful thing to have touched, and to have touch me.
(PIC: A Neo Geo Joystick. Now being used to hold up a bridge in Valhalla, probably.)
Still to come in the paid version – I delve into one of the most mind blowing developments in the history of videogames: a game that did something so extraordinary it made me question the very nature of existence. And OBVIOUSLY I then go on to do a poem in honour of that game. I reveal my best and worst peripherals and something so funny about a game thing I can’t even tease it because I’ll piss my pants and I am sitting recording this on a very porous chair.
Until then keep it little, keep it old, keep it purple.
Dominik's Little Purple Column #8 FREE VERSION